Just met Warrent Jabbar and his family just now around my block. He said he'd come to visit SWO Francis Ng, who was sick. I don't know Francis, but Jabbar was my former APC CSM, quite a friendly nice and reasonable guy. We smiled and exchanged pleasantries.

The funny thing is that I met him just whilst I was musing to myself about my own prejudices about people. I don't think I'm racist, in fact I like the Malays and Indians in my own country (in general, there're always unpleasant people from every race): I feel they add spice and colour and commitment to the country. And I like WO Jabbar, and other Singaporeans from other races - they are pleasant, committed, and very good friends. I consider them my brothers.

It's the immigrants that I feel a sense of aversion towards. Well, particularly from a particular C-country. The darker-skinned foreign workers have been known to disturb Singaporean girls, but I'm even quite fine with them. It's the C-people that somehow disturb me, partially because they're all over ... extremely ubiquitous. Partially because ... they are a part of me, yet so different. Culturally, even linguistically. I find myself speaking a lot in Cantonese to distinguish myself from them.

But I have good Chinese friends, from NUS. I helped out in the PRC Camp and I loved my group members - a lot. And they are fine, nice, decent, fun-loving. It's just this feeling that they're different, that they haven't assimilated into what is effectively a Singaporean-Malaysian culture (yes, we're all culturally Singaporean-Malaysian more than Chinese. We are all so NOT Chinese in terms of culture). And the fact that there are so damn MANY MANY of them. It's a fear that they'll outnumber us eventually - it's not a misplaced fear, considering the government's policy of importing Chinese people from China in droves. And there's the feeling that they are not committed to this country. (Not that many locals are committed too, considering emigration rates. But that's another story for another day). It's this feeling that these MANY foreigners are here to take our country for a ride, and our government is letting them do so.

It's Xenophobia, prejudice all over again. And the best way is to make friends from the race/people group that you are afraid of, to give them human faces.

To find out that at the end of the day, they are humans like us.

True, there are materialistic, scheming, evil, downright manipulative Chinese people who treat our country like a stepping stone. But there're evil, manipulative people from every race and country - even from Singapore - and we must recognise this.

Random Thoughts

1) I'm really blessed to be educated in Economics. I hear laymen talking about inflation, and I'm really blessed to have intimate insight into the means, reasons and solutions for inflation. Economics is really useful. I'm trying to remember the historical incident in which Mahathir Mohammad proved the world's economists wrong by trying to fix and control too many policy instruments in his country. I think the policy instruments are the interest rate, exchange rate, and capital mobility, and normal countries can only fix 2 of them and leave one floating, subject to market forces, but he fixed all 3. And apparently it worked for Malaysia.

I've forgotten all the details, but we learnt it in Macro 2 under Prof. Dixon How. Anyone care to fill in the details for me?

2) The recent court case against Novena Church for aggrivated assault and forcing the lady to go through the exorcism confuses me. Firstly, the court realises it is a spiritual case - involving prayer, God, exorcism, spirits. Yet it is a civil court, trying to resolve what is commonly seen as a religious dispute, between Christians. How can it be expected to rule? It is extremely confusing.

Also very interestingly, the language used in court and in the newspapers regarding this case shows that Singapore's society and government recognises the power, reality and role of the spiritual - such that the court will even entertain a dispute because of very spiritual matters. It seems that the court recognises the role and power of God, angels, and demons.

Which of course, fits in with what I understand Singapore's Secularism to be (haha thanks be to the Inter-Civilisational and Inter-Religious Study Trip for opening my eyes to these issues). For Singapore's Secularism is an Anglo-Saxon Secularism, which recognises the separation of church and state, while recognising the validity and truths of religion. Under this school of thought, religious ideas are to be respected, even accepted in society; they are just not to interfere with the political process.

This, of course, stands in contrast with French-Turkish Secularism, propogated most famously by the late Mr. Kemal Ataturk, founder of the Turkish Republic. Under this school, religion is to be subjugated to the state, having no role in public life and expression, and basically to be forced to take a back seat in society. From the outside, such a society can look somewhat religious, yet very atheist.

Of course, Singapore is hardly atheist. It's so religious, and the court case shows it: even the courts get religious sometimes.

Again I'm thankful for the exposure my education offers me. It is very exciting to see classroom concepts actually applicable in the real world.

God, where are you?

Please show Yourself.

Save me from this mess, from my agony and emptiness. Feed me, love me, hold me, walk with me. Comfort me.

maybe i think way too highly of myself, but it seems that it may not be easy to classify me. who am i, what do i appear like to people?

i can be amazingly singaporean heartlanderish, but also amazingly foreign, american.

today at the debrief for group work for the conflict resolution module glynson called me the most "conscientious and meticulous slob" around. whatever that means.

and allen said with some humour that i could be amazingly superficial, and amazingly deep.

and a long time ago kash called me "rojak".

not that it really matters. to know who i am, what i stand for in this world of 6 billion people. to know my place in this world, to know my actual identity, and not be a mere product of circumstance. that, to me, is so much more vital than people's perceptions of oneself.

perhaps people's perceptions of me are as confused as my perceptions of myself.

Why I took Malay

Cik Siew emailed us today for some feedback for a paper he is doing research on, and I revealed my reasons for taking Malay. Some excerpts from my email to him:

"Personally I took malay because I feel that it is a form of respect to the region that I am born in. I feel that the Singapore government kicked out the compulsary education of Malay in schools because Malay is "not economically viable", which is an insult to the indigenous people of the region. Simply put, we Chinese came to the Malay lands, took over all the wealth and top postions, and even colonised the region with Chinese (which is the unofficial second language of Singapore - i think most malays find it hard to live life without rudimentary command of chinese).... i just feel that taking malay is my form of returning respect to the malays, and saying "sorry for taking over your lands, and colonising you all with the chinese language"... kind of apologising for my people..."

Singapore is aflush with English and Chinese, people often forget that we are in the middle of the Malay Archipalego.... and not in some province in China. As a native of the Malay Archipalego, it seems my duty to learn at least rudimentary Malay, the language of the land. In part it is to show respect to the locals (the true locals), to apologise for my people taking over the top positions and basically marginalising the native culture. It is the least I can do, to say "thanks for accepting us into your land, as a sign of respect I will learn your language". After all, I was born here, and I am a son of the land as much as you are.

A very humble Chinaman,

Jonathan

Actually am I a Chinaman, or a son of the Malay Archipalego? It is a connundrum, and I would like to call myself a Citizen of the world, but as long as I live in Singapore I am living on Malay land, and as a sign of respect I should call myself a "son of the land".

i'm starting to miss danny and the sep kids man, today's friday and normally we'd be down for sheesha... o well...

why are people so averse towards thinking and questioning the core beliefs and assumptions in their lives, even the fact and meaning of their very existence?

could it be because they are scared to encounter what they might find?
or are they lazy to spend the time?
or is there a mood of extreme pessimism, the feeling that satisfactory answers can never be found?
or do they procrastinate, deciding to do the thinking and analysing only tomorrow after today's concerns are dealt with? do they not realise that everyday brings with it its own demands and troubles?
or do they hate their lives so much that they do not deem it a worthwhile exercise to determine a purpose, a reason and a validation for their existence?
maybe they are very comfortable, so they just live lives in a daily routine, until something real bad shakes them up, after which they start to think.

comfort may not be a bad thing. it is nice, assuring, relaxing, non-taxing to mind and emotions. it is in fact natural to want to settle into a comfort zone, otherwise one's mind and emotions work overtime, and it gets exhausting.

which is a better way to live life? to be a pained soul searching for answers, or to be one blissfully ignorant in a comfort zone? there is no absolute answer to this. possibly someone should strive for a balance, to seek for truth beyond one's natural scope, to question one's assumptions, even the validity of one's existence, without going mad in the process.

Tonight was probably the last night out with Danny, drinking near Raffles Hall... He's leaving Singapore real soon.

we discussed what kind of people we'd like to spend time with... people we can have good engaging conversations with.

probably people who have an optimistic outlook on life, who engage it with a smile, who look forward to experiencing life and learning from it. people who are open minded, who want to learn from you as much as you want to learn from them. people who make an effort to engage and understand.

i cannot really out my finger on it, it's just a vibe, a feeling, but with it time flies with someone, and conversational times are never wasted, and you always look forward to keeping in touch with that person.

danny and i obviously feel we fit into that category... then there's probably gabe (hawaii), adam (indian canadian), irfan (pakistani canadian), mai (who has something on with danny, vietnamese), tiffany (taiwanese american), phi (thai), amelia (iowa white farm girl) .. probably a few others that i cannot remember.

we also discussed people who we'd not want to spend time with, those people would probably bore us with their pessimism or disinterested attitude towards the world that exists outside their tiny ones.... or piss us off because of their close-minded attitude towards things....

but i'm being too judgemental. i guess, to each his own, and people will flock to people who are like them. i'm open-minded and love to engage and learn, so i'll flock to people who are like me. others will have their own friends, and maybe everyone is equally happy at the end of the day.

Found this in one of my photo folders. This was one of the last things I saw before I left the USA: it was taken at Los Angeles International, kind of announcing my return to my country.

It's actually a poignant picture, considering the amount of time I had spent overseas, and everything I'd learnt and experienced over there. It was kind of like a signal to me, that I was returning home, back to the world that I grew up in, that life was going to be changed but constant, different but the same.

The word "Singapore" had hardly been on the tip of my tongue when I was overseas, but now I was returning to it. It had been out of my mind, but now my reality would again consist solely of it.

The picture was America wishing me farewell, and Singapore welcoming me back, all at once.

The theme of "returning home" weighs strongly on my mind. I could probably write a small treatise on it, but I'm not in the mood right now.

Went again to Arab Street for Sheesha and basically to chill, with Danny, Tiffany (Taiwanese, studying in UTexas in Austin), Amelia from Iowa, a Thai girl and a French dude. And Efhan Ali (The Canadian Pakistani in the previous blog post who works in Japan teaching English) rode up and found us; he was going night cycling.

I'll miss these people, real thanks to Danny for introducing me to them, they're all real fun, real chill, excellent conversationalists, and don't mind just wasting hours around a Sheesha pipe talking and chilling. Everyone has so many life stories to tell because of his varied life experience, and the conversation can go anywhere, from film and literature to physics to evolution and religion, to social and pop culture. This is what I admire in people, the knowledge and wisdom and worldliness to be able to carry on a conversation about any topic, and the ability to just chill and sit and waste hours stoning and talking, and cracking jokes. Without saying "O I need to study because my exams are next week". (A way out would be: Ok i'll study in the day, for 7 hours, and chill out after that.)

I wonder who I can do this shit with, people that can carry on conversations on more topics than human relationships, studies, and the latest gossip. I think having a global perspective, having experienced a different culture, helps. Even if that was not the case, I'm just looking for ... that X-Factor (Damnit). Call it intelligence, call it chemistry, call it "chill-ness", call it whatever.

I think in Singapore, Dean probably makes it there, from our past few conversations. Clement looks like he could too, look forward to meeting him. There're probably more people, but I guess I just need to find them.

And then we can head down to Arab Street for Sheesha.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/04/29/education/29student.html?

The growing Chinese anger towards Western "media bias" raises a few issues.

First, there is the perception that the West is not showing respect for China, and this lack of respect is taken as a personal attack by Chinese students. They get offended by the perceived injustice, and react in an angry way.

Conflict Resolution Class: Everyone wants respect, and to be treated in a "fair way". If they are seen as being on the receiving end of unjust treatment, they get angry.

Case in point.

Anyway, another issue raised was when the Chinese students all assumed that Tibet wanted the economic development that was being forced onto their country.

"Students argue that China has spent billions on Tibet, building schools, roads and other infrastructure. Asked if the Tibetans wanted such development, they looked blankly incredulous. “They don’t ask that question,” said Lionel Jensen, a China scholar at Notre Dame. “They’ve accepted the basic premise of aggressive modernization.” "

I'm sure everyone knows what I feel about this: the happiest country in the world is Vanuatu, hardly the most developed country in the world. Obviously, the link between GDP and modernisation and life satisfaction and happiness is a non-existent one. May I even postulate a negative co-relationship: sometimes the best way to be happy is to live in a "backward" "simple" society, praying in your Buddhist monastary everyday.

That's the case of Bhutan, a slow-moving mountain Buddhist kingdom that's reportedly very happy being what it is: being at peace with nature and with one's soul.

I chatted with Gao Ting over basketball on Sunday night, and he basically repeated the stance that economic progress is always good. But towards the end of the conversation he mentioned that he'd lived in Inner Mongolia before, and he noticed that before the Hans entered that place people did not lock their doors: their's was a very communal culture which emphasised on sharing whatever one had with neighbours, who could basically enter houses and take whatever they needed. Of course, everything ended with the entrance of the Han Chinese, and "modernisation". At the end, he mused that perhaps progress had its social costs, of making people more selfish and estranged from one another.

I hope Gao Ting sees the light one day. I hope I brought him closer to seeing the light.

That's why I like Malays so much. In general, they are more relaxed, more communal, less competitive. Perhaps they don't really get rich, but I daresay they get more out of life because of their more complex and numerous social and familial relations.
In general we Chinese just sell our souls to get rich.

It is worthwhile to work hard for a worthy cause. "Progress", "modernisation" and "wealth" are definitely not worthy.

Relac-Jack man. I should get my degree, and spend my days strumming my guitar and singing rock songs. Or move to Bhutan.

Had lunch at Sukiya with Wanjun today, and just went out for sheesha with Danny, Tiffany, Daniel (from Canada) and Daniel's friend, who's a Canadian of Pakastini origin and is teaching English in Japan now.

Maybe the beauty of life is in these little things, little experiences that make up our everyday life, and we should be thankful for every little one of them rather than always hoping for something more. The thing is that life can always be much worse, and we don't realise that.

Perhaps life is such that we need the pain and sadness to make the good good. I was musing about the possibility of a happy drug, that acts directly on the brain to make you happy all the time. But then you'd just get used to it, and happy won't be happy anymore. You'd just want more and more of that drug, till it's of no more effect. That's what happens to drug addicts, you take that drug till it no longer manages to produce a "high" in you. Your mind just becomes numb.

And life is like that, perhaps. You need the sadness of a breakup to treasure and appreciate your next relationship so much more. You need a life-threatening sickness for you to appreciate the gift of health more. You need a near-death experience to appreciate the gift of life, of existence, that God has given you.

But then that is the tragedy, is it not? Because you live life forwards, not backwards. You have the health of youth, which you don't appreciate, then you have the pain of sickness when you get old. You wish you were healthy again, you would appreciate it so much more. But it's impossible. If only we lived life backwards, we'd appreciate the vigor of youth infinitely more, rather than waste it away.

Same with death. People take life for granted, wasting it on useless pursuits, and when they die, they regret. You never appreciated life till it's gone.

That's why I'm interested in Buddhism. It seems that through the process of meditation we are taught to appreciate the beauty of essence, of existence, of the world around us. We slow down, learn to savour our own bodies, learn to appreciate our senses: our senses and minds become so much more active, so much richer. We learn to appreciate the here and the now.

Our minds focus on the only reality that exists at that point of time: the here and the now. Everything doesn't exist and doesn't matter except the here and the now. Focus on the present. Enjoy its beauty.

Because the here and the now is all we have. At the end of the day, what is life but a collection of millions of "here and nows". If you don't learn to enjoy the now and the here, always wishing for something more, you'd never get much out of life.

If life is not beautiful today, it will never be beautiful... never ever. Not when you become rich, or have a girlfriend, or have kids. Because the onus is on the individual to appreciate life's beauty, in whatever circumstance he is in.

I don't want to be on my deathbed before I appreciate the gift of existence that God has bestowed me with.

We are Earth's best, that learnt her lesson here.
Life is our cry
We have kept the faith!

We shall go down with unreluctant tread
Rose-crowned into the darkness!

Proud we were,
And laughed,
That had such brave true things to say.

Through glory and ecstasy we pass
Wind, sun and earth remain, the birds sing still,
When we are old, are old...

And when we die,
All's over that is ours; and life burns on
Through other lovers, other lips;

Heart of my heart, our heaven is now, is won!

-- Rupert Brooke, 1910

my first heartbreak experience was probably given to me by God.

it was 2002, my A level year.

i'd just had an encounter with God, after church camp. He felt so real, i felt so loved, i felt that this had to be it, i'd found the meaning in life, which was to serve and enjoy God forever.

but somewhere along the line i lost it. i doubted the validity of my experience, of God. was my experience real? was i imagining? God please show yourself again to me! but it did not happen. i tried to prove God to myself via apologetics but i was not convinced.

and so i was sad and devestated, because the meaning of my life, my spiritual experience and my God, was being put into question. perhaps i was all wrong.

over time i lost hope and became worldly again. when my faith failed, i turned to the things of the world, because the world was my rebound, from my first love. my first love which i believe had failed me. or maybe i was expecting a perpetual spiritual high, expecting too much from it.

my life may have turned out differently if i had not gone through that phase of doubt.

Yesterday afternoon saw me
Bare, empty, naked, helpless, desperate,

Crying out inside:

"God where are you?
Please show Yourself"

"Speak to me,
Comfort me,
Save me"

The poignant cry of a pained soul.

"God where are you?
Show yourself"

A challenge to the Divine.
Borne out of shamelessness
Maybe a hint of disrespect
And desperation.

Met Kumu (Dean's friend) on the way home from NUS just now. Somewhere along the conversation I felt like saying that "the modern man is becoming increasingly emasculated". Perhaps I know too little to say that for all modern males, but it appears to be the case for many Singaporean males. Maybe it's because we've grown up in such comfort, we haven't had the flames of troubles to toughen us up.

So, what makes a man? Looking around me, it seems that a good model would be Jesus, who knew what he stood for, but was yet caring. He was strong, yet gentle. He was secure in his identity, and did not let others shake him from his convictions. He was not nice all the time, but he was good.

Anyway, the Existentialists claim that rationality and reason are what the human mind needs, to hide from the fact that the world essentially contains no order, no rules, and that everything is essentially random. If this is the case, even the study of "what it means to be a true man" can be thrown away. Perhaps there are no rules to this, and it's all purely random.

jonkwok.livejournal.com was my previous blog. it's abandoned now.

On Death

What is the meaning of life? Danny suggests that the meaning of life is to find the meaning of life - that there is no ultimate meaning, and that everyone changes what he defines to be the meaning of his life through its course. Perhaps it's like a dog chasing after its own tail, and while we're all caught up in it, it seems absorbing, and it captures our every imagination. And then the dog finds something else to chase, and it does so, forgetting its initial quest. The meaning of life has changed for the dog, but which of the quests of life is the greatest?

(Sidenote: This notion, that of one's meaning and essence in life being a consequence of his existence, and not the cause of it, is a trademark of Existentialist philosophy. Basically it states: I exist, therefore, I create a meaning out of my life. Satre, in his "Essays in Existentialism", further highlights this consciousness of being thrown into existence in the following fashion: "If man, as the existentialist conceives him, is indefinable, it is because at first he is nothing. Only afterward will he be something, and he himself will have made what he will be.")

Anyway, no matter what our meaning in life was.... we die. No matter how we lived our life - happily, sadly, angrily, or chasing the wind, we all die. And when we come to that time, nothing matters anymore. In the long run, nothing matters. It's both depressing and gratifying. Depressing because our victories and joys will all come to an end. Gratifying because our sorrows and disappointments and mistakes will also come to an end.

With death, we can take a longer view of things. Haknuna Matata - to leave the past behind and move forward. Because in the long run, many things don't matter. Even in the medium run - 10 to 20 years from now - most of our current sorrows would have sorted themselves out, only mere specks in the seas of our memories, mere footnotes in our lives.

Even if that were not the case, in the long run, death the great leveler ensures that .... "nothing really matters... to me" (Queen, Bohemian Rhapsody)

How overseas exchanged has changed me. It has probably made me less utilitarian. I'm more willing to undertake pursuits in education that will do nothing for me whatsoever in terms of practical benefits. It has opened my eyes to the possibilities in the world, it has made me more willing to step out of my comfort zone to explore life in all its possibilities.

I'm able to see that life outside the box that I'm accustomed to, is actually possible. O, how many adventures await, if we can sustain this interest and passion in the long run.

Just a musing, but someone like Gandhi was probably profoundly Christian. He exhibited the virtues of Christ, the virtues that make Christ stand out from everyone else who ever claimed greatness. He loved his enemies, he looked out for the oppressed, he turned the other cheek. He showed love, humility, meekness, in everything he did. He was, may I put it, Christ-like in his actions.

My exchange friend Danny (I'll really miss him when he's gone - love the times we spend just chilling and musing and talking about everything in life - we really can click so well, he's really one of my best friends over this past year. He thinks a lot like me. The best part is that he loves to sit and drink beer and just chill and chat, for hours and hours, like me) feels that Gandhi is more Christian than Billy Graham. True, Billy speaks about the Bible, but what great is that? And Billy does not cheat on his wife, or kill, or steal, but that's basic human behaviour. He could very well be Muslim, or Buddhist, or whoever. What makes Christ special is his association with the lowest of the low, and his love for his enemies. And most Christians don't show this. (in all fairness, mainly because they/we don't have the chance to do so)

What is greater, acting out the words of Christ, or speaking about it?

Which is why it is sad that Protestants did away with the monastic movement, because it removes a great opportunity for us normal humans to interact with the lowest of the low. It removes from us a great chance to really be Christ-like. I have such a great love and admiration for the monastic movement, for the Catholic Brothers and Sisters who give their lives to living like Christ.

And one of the main reasons why Jesus is still so special to me is because His moral codes and loving behaviour were really amazing... few other religious leaders preached as He preached. Love your enemies - who dares to teach such stuff?

Which is why I cannot see why God would send someone like Gandhi to hell, when his behaviour was so much like Jesus's. Gandhi was more Christian than I could ever hope to be.

The realities and cruelities of life is that I am free to read, think, and blog, because I have only 2 (very easy) exams in 3 weeks time. (i.e. a very long time away) And my ISM is done.

What would happen if that were not the case? I shudder to see myself as a mindless peon, milling around aimlessly, trying to meet this expectation and that deadline, but never seeing and questioning the point of it, never living life.

I absolutely detest the expectations of our society. They drain the life out of our very souls.

Does society liberate us, or does it imprision us?

There must be alternative ways to live this life.

I got this quote from "Odyssey of a Modern Jew", a book I'm absolutely in love with because the author reminds me so much of myself, it's as if his writings resonate within my soul...

"So many questions that torment me - questions that require sharp commitment in a world that is ambiguous - are decided for most other men by life itself, so that they have no choice but to follow and make the best of it. It seems to be my lot to chase phantoms, and I pray - if I can use that word - they lead somewhere, in time."

Some very smart person once said that the life unexamined is not worth living. But it seems that much of what we do in life, is dictated to us by life itself. What can we do in life, what do we want out of it? Most of the time we surrender control to our world, to circumstances, if you are religious, to God.

I fear work, I fear selling my soul to my workplace, to the routine of it. There is so much that constrains us - why do I have to sleep now, at 3am? Why can I not engage in activity? Why do my activities need to be constrained to the cycle of the day, and of the week? Why does 8am mean breakfast, 1pm mean tutorial, and 6pm mean prayer in catholic church? Can not the timings work in a totally different way? Why must I go to church on weekends? Why must we conform to the traditional norms of dating and marriage? Can I not fashion my own lifestyle, independently? What does it mean, to create one's own life, independently from society? What would that life look like?

And maybe that's why people follow social norms. Because a life without them would take too much energy to figure out, and people are afraid to take the risk. Even if this life we know fails us, we are afraid to try anything new - because this is all we know. Circumstances dictate our lives.

But we have one life, what is there to lose? You come here with nothing, you go back to nothing. What do you lose? Nothing!

Perhaps this is the spirit of Carpe Diem.

But does youthful idealism get buried under the pressures, demands, expectations, experiences of day-to-day living and society?

Or does the radical freedom that each of us essentially has bring us dread instead?This is what Existentialism suggests. To try to suppress our feelings of anxiety and dread, we confine ourselves within everyday experience, Sartre asserts, thereby relinquishing our freedom and acquiescing to being possessed in one form or another.

Does everything need to be destroyed, for something new and better to be built up?

This is the spirit of Anarchy, of Communism.

Anarchy and Communism - the political and social ideas of some of the world's most beautiful idealists.

As Queen sang - I Want to Break Free.

On introversion

It just occurs to me that the way to peace and comfort - the way to fill the gaps in our hearts – would be to look inside, not outside. For me, an extrovert through and through, it is indeed a tall order.

But rather than looking at the outside world and trying to glean satisfaction and acceptance from it, one should be comfortable with oneself first. It’s indeed true that no man is an island, but everyone should be comfortable with himself to a certain level, and not seek to fill every second of his waking time with something new, or with someone to accompany.

Having confidence in myself, knowing that I can always withdraw if things turn bad… ain’t that a good thing? The temptation to call someone out, male or female, for a chat is always so tempting, but I should learn to be alone, to meditate, to pray, to examine.

Always needing someone to fill up my time - my theory is that it makes us less needy lovers or friends, and less likely to die if something goes wrong.... much as we would love for our lover or friend to NEVER let us down and break our hearts, we know that that is close to impossible. Rely on yourself and rely on God before you rely on someone else.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/04/14/world/middleeast/14cairo.htm

cool article, makes us think about the soundscapes we live in.

how much can we get out of life, if we just sit and listen to the everyday noises that we are so used to by now.

Soccer and American Football teach me that there is such a thin line between success and failure, hero-hood and condemnation in sports and life. Eli Manning is hailed as a hero because of only a few vital moments of luck and determination in his game-winning drive in the 4th Quarter in the Super Bowl, if not he would have lost and Tom Brady would have been the hero. Such a thin line. As it turned out, Eli is hailed as a hero and Tom criticised as a loser, with poor planning skills.

Soccer. Liverpool got to the Semi-Finals of the Champions League thanks to a dubious penalty against Arsenal. No penalty, and Arsenal would have been through instead. Such a thin line. As it turned out, Liverpool's grit and excellent spirit were praised, and Arsenal criticised as a team that often dominates but do not score.

Match Point is an excellent movie, and it studies this theme of luck in real life. In the end the protagonist, who is also a villain, wins out because of a slice of good luck. Success versus failure, sadness versus bliss, the winner versus the loser… such extreme human reactions and labels to bestow upon unwitting recipients of good fortune. Of course this theme is offensive to many. It offends our every sensibilities, and even a character in Match Point (a very innocent and prudish rich young lady) points out that it cannot be, human effort somehow has to make a difference. Her Atheist husband, also the protagonist and villain (damn why can’t I remember his name), intelligently indicates that even the generation of life by evolution is a massive game of blind chance. Life depends massively on luck.

We would like to think that our actions make a difference. But do they?

As a religious person I’m not doubting the influence of God in the events of life. Indeed, God’s intervention changes the equation massively, such that humans believe that they can change the world by a simple act such as praying. This throws the idea of impersonal luck or fate out of the window.

But having said that, it is unfair how we label people mostly on things that they had absolutely no control over. Just like we label Steven Gerrard’s Liverpool a winning team because they gained a penalty that was extremely dubious (can assure you the game-winning moment was not a product of Liverpoolian efforts), we label people as “intelligent”, “beautiful”, “rich”… even “successful”, based on things which they may have had little control over. Yes, even “success” is often out of one’s control. The Bible says: A man plans in his heart, but the Lord determines his steps. The Chinese say: 成功, 是天时， 地立， 人和。。。

i took out my earring last night. like many things in life, it was driven by impulse, and nothing much else. i guess i wanted to de-ornament myself.

i've had a earring on 24-7-365 for almost 2 years now, so much so that it has become almost a part of my body. my left hand habitually reaches up to my earlobe, seeking for a piece of metal or plastic to fondle, only to be greeted with virgin flesh. discomforted, i play with the flesh of the earlobe instead.

two artificial objects come to mind when i think about foreign things becoming a part of our bodies - piercings (or earrings) and spectacles. after a while, it just becomes as if you were born with these things - until you lose them.

i could actually write a poem or song about this.

i would be the first to admit that i'm still not totally over her, that i'm reminded of her now and then, that i'm emotionally affected. in her words, i'm "still not over her, and this includes the good and the bad."

to call her my ex-girlfriend would be a misnomer of sorts, since we were only officially attached for a few weeks. perhaps it would be more apt to call her someone special that walked into and out of my life in 2007.

i could have never guessed that the person whom i cared so much for would end up hurting me the most. it is actually common sense, on hindsight, but i guess i was just blind to the dangers.

i don't really know how to treat her. is she a friend or a foe? do i pray and hope that i'd never see her again, to shield my heart from possible pain, or do i wish for more times when we could spend hours talking and talking about life, when it seemed destined that we would be extremely good friends? with her i've experienced every single emotion in the world, from love to disappointment to hate to doubt. at the end of the day, when it has left me more confused than ever, i guess the stoic and christian thing to do is to continue to love her as a sister, one created in God's image, and someone i'd spend all eternity with (in heaven).

when i question my self worth, when i question if she even cares, i somehow sense that she could be as confused as me, not knowing what to do or say. and it is common sense that she hurt a lot too, maybe not now, but during the relationship. and i just want to apologise, to say i wish i could take all the mean-spiritedness and selfishness back.

and maybe these are the similarities between us. i won't be surprised if our views on the entire thing are more similar that we realise.

but for me, when the hope is gone and the bubble is burst, the challenge is to everyday cling on to the source of all hope, who is God Himself. that hope is that one day, it will all be good.

We walk in present knowledge, but He sees the first and the last....
He sees the master plan, He holds the future in His hand
So don't be like those who have no hope
All our hope is found in Him

God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His heart

And we can speak with faith, with assurance, that even though today is not easy, a brighter tomorrow awaits us, because He holds the future in His hands.

I visited my grandma just now in hospital, it really made me sad to see her so bloated and unhealthy, looking so ill. I just pray that God will heal her, and turn her heart to him.

I talked to Dean last night, over supper at my place. Through all our musings, we decided that Singaporeans should really learn to sit down and chill and talk about life. But amidst everything I sensed that we were very similar, pilgrims on the same voyage, seeking to make sense of life and God and coming to terms with our intellect and questions. And this life has not been easy for us, with his problems and mine. Yesterday mine involved grace, the girl that I had not been able to get over after over 5 months of officially ending everything. There’s the song “Trust His Heart”, which basically repeats Romans 8:28, that all things work for the good of those who love God.

God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you can’t see His plan
When you can’t trace His hand
Trust His heart

Such simple words, so hard to live out. But yet there was in both of us, I sensed, a striving to trust God, to make Him our vision and motive for our lives. Many times over the past few months I have had hunger and a sense of lost-ness and serious doubts about the validity of my faith that I had declared for so many years. But in both me and Dean I sensed a hope, an optimism, that there was more to life than this, that somehow God still provides the meaning and fulfillment that our hearts yearn for.

I had seen people live the Christian life out, and a self-centered hedonistic life without God seemed to lead to sadness, disappointment, anger, selfishness, despair, emptiness, hopelessness. It just seemed to me that the pleasure-pursuing life that seems so sweet cannot possibly promise much at all at the end of the day, just a mess of emptiness and broken dreams and strife and longings that are yet to be fulfilled.

But it appears to me that the life of peace, contentment, fulfillment, satisfaction, and true joy, comes with living with Jesus as the centre. It is the life that promises a hope greater than the world, a seeking for something bigger, something that the failings of the world would not be able to touch. It appears to me that much of my emptiness and meaninglessness would be satisfied by making Jesus my vision.

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to be save that Thou art
Thou my best thought, by day or by night
Waking or sleeping Thy presence my light

At the end of the chit chat session we agreed to pray for each other. But I do not deny that I have doubt, and fear, that I would be let down, that somehow my desire to put my hopes in this Jesus would somehow lead to naught. It would, of course, lead to cynicism and hopelessness and chasing after pleasures and things of this world – again. But the beauty of what is promised captures me: everlasting unquenchable joy and peace, unshakable assurance, a rock to build my life on, a life that can never be shaken, a confidence despite the storms of life, a love that surpasses all understanding, a promise of eternity in paradise, and a beauty that I would give everything I own to catch a glimpse of.

The beauty of what is promised captures me, like it has captured the hearts of so many over the centuries. O, what I would give to have that for myself, day after day.

feel quite irritated at how the Chinese government is bullying the Tibetans.

actually, having said that, america has human rights abuses too. singapore and malaysia are purported to have biased/undemocratic election processes.

seems to be that in this century the more upright countries appear to be the australians and western europeans, especially the nordic countries. many of them have done the one great thing of abolishing the death penalty. other than some racism, they seem to have a cleaner record. but then racism (think paulene hanson) is no small problem too.

in the complex world of politics, whose hands are really clean?

http://www.conservapedia.com/Main_Page - the Conservative response to Wikipedia, and a big biased joke.

I think Singaporean Conservatives are probably still intelligent, but American Conservatives mostly deserve to be put in an asylum. They claim to be Christian, but advocate War in Iraq and lax gun laws (allowing people to be murdered in cold blood). Sometimes they espouse hatred against Palestine and Muslims. They worship Capitalism as a god, and call the Democrats "the party with no principles". They support the murder of innocent Arabs and Muslims, but cry foul when babies are killed in abortions (the irony). Probably because the life of an American Christian child is worth 1000 times more than the life of an Arab Muslim.

The Democrates have firm beliefs too, but they appear infinitely more intelligent and informed about the world. American Republicans and Conservatives sometimes seem to live in the bottom of wells. And they hold strong convictions that that is where they should be.

It's scary that America has so many stupid people. And it's sad that many of these people are Christians. Conservative Christians.

No wonder I am a liberal. Or rather, no wonder I hold views that society would define as liberal. I hold my views because I believe in them, not because some liberal or conservative told me that I must hold these views. I support the right of gays to marry, but view abortion as a sin. It's a henious crime - murder, no less. It's just that people around me call my views "extremely liberal". They could call my views "cow-like", "of the form of a fish", or "Nigerian", for all I care.

Tibet and China

There's chaos in Tibet, with China barring all foreign presence there and scenes of anarchy being reported.

Violent Tibetan Protestors vs the Chinese Paramilitary.

Though the Dalai Lama has called for restraint, his people are not listening.

You'd kinda side with the Tibetans though. The Chinese Communists marched into their homeland in 1951, and they probably would have suffered a lot over the years. I mean, they are Buddhists, probably the most non-violent religion in world history. Must have taken a lot to get them so riled up.

Mein Kamf

The story of my recent life.

From Skepticism to Liberalism.

It started with "can we really be sure that what we are taught in Church is true?" - after all, these are only the ideas of the Protestant Fathers - Luther, Calvin, Wesley - and how they intepreted the Christian faith. Protestant Christianity is choke-full of influences from all over, but it claims to be pure -direct from God, direct from the Bible (as if the Bible fell down directly from God onto our laps). The way we understand faith is the way Luther and Calvin intepreted it for us - full-stop. The Catholics, using the same Bible, come up with a totally different theology.

So, it progressed to Skepticism. Who's to say that we are right and they are wrong? There is a truth, but who holds it?

Then, there was a tenuous link to Liberalism. Thus, all who believe in Jesus - Catholics, Protestants, Orthordox Christians - are going to heaven. Because, who's to say whose theology is right and whose is wrong? Everyone's theology is equally right to themselves, and equally wrong to others.

Thus, a fair thinker will think: Either everyone is right, or everyone is wrong. Since I am optimistic, I choose to believe that everyone is right.

See you all in heaven, brothers.

joy and steve are married! they'll have a wedding in thailand in summer i think.

joy's my age - 23/24, and steve is 21 i think. joy is thai, and steve is american, from north carolina.

talk about a whirlwind romance. they met less than a year ago, dated less than 5 months ago, and they are tying the knot.

it's so bohemian. i hope to attend their wedding in thailand.

sheer bohemia sheer coolness. wish them all the best in their married life.

How are we expected to live out "turn the other cheek" and "love your enemies" in today's circumstances?

Are we really expected to give in to our enemies all the time? Chris Chong thinks that the verse should not be taken literally, that Christ did not call us to always let ourselves be beaten by our enemies.

But i think Christ did. So does this mean that Christians cannot fight war? War involves killing your enemies, not loving.

Nowadays how can I find someone who truly can live Christ's commands? But does this mean that we give up trying? As the song "I have decided to follow Jesus" goes:

"Though none go with me, I still will follow."