i would be the first to admit that i'm still not totally over her, that i'm reminded of her now and then, that i'm emotionally affected. in her words, i'm "still not over her, and this includes the good and the bad."

to call her my ex-girlfriend would be a misnomer of sorts, since we were only officially attached for a few weeks. perhaps it would be more apt to call her someone special that walked into and out of my life in 2007.

i could have never guessed that the person whom i cared so much for would end up hurting me the most. it is actually common sense, on hindsight, but i guess i was just blind to the dangers.

i don't really know how to treat her. is she a friend or a foe? do i pray and hope that i'd never see her again, to shield my heart from possible pain, or do i wish for more times when we could spend hours talking and talking about life, when it seemed destined that we would be extremely good friends? with her i've experienced every single emotion in the world, from love to disappointment to hate to doubt. at the end of the day, when it has left me more confused than ever, i guess the stoic and christian thing to do is to continue to love her as a sister, one created in God's image, and someone i'd spend all eternity with (in heaven).

when i question my self worth, when i question if she even cares, i somehow sense that she could be as confused as me, not knowing what to do or say. and it is common sense that she hurt a lot too, maybe not now, but during the relationship. and i just want to apologise, to say i wish i could take all the mean-spiritedness and selfishness back.

and maybe these are the similarities between us. i won't be surprised if our views on the entire thing are more similar that we realise.

but for me, when the hope is gone and the bubble is burst, the challenge is to everyday cling on to the source of all hope, who is God Himself. that hope is that one day, it will all be good.

We walk in present knowledge, but He sees the first and the last....
He sees the master plan, He holds the future in His hand
So don't be like those who have no hope
All our hope is found in Him

God is too wise to be mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His heart

And we can speak with faith, with assurance, that even though today is not easy, a brighter tomorrow awaits us, because He holds the future in His hands.