God, where are you?
Please show Yourself.
Save me from this mess, from my agony and emptiness. Feed me, love me, hold me, walk with me. Comfort me.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
maybe i think way too highly of myself, but it seems that it may not be easy to classify me. who am i, what do i appear like to people?
i can be amazingly singaporean heartlanderish, but also amazingly foreign, american.
today at the debrief for group work for the conflict resolution module glynson called me the most "conscientious and meticulous slob" around. whatever that means.
and allen said with some humour that i could be amazingly superficial, and amazingly deep.
and a long time ago kash called me "rojak".
not that it really matters. to know who i am, what i stand for in this world of 6 billion people. to know my place in this world, to know my actual identity, and not be a mere product of circumstance. that, to me, is so much more vital than people's perceptions of oneself.
perhaps people's perceptions of me are as confused as my perceptions of myself.
i can be amazingly singaporean heartlanderish, but also amazingly foreign, american.
today at the debrief for group work for the conflict resolution module glynson called me the most "conscientious and meticulous slob" around. whatever that means.
and allen said with some humour that i could be amazingly superficial, and amazingly deep.
and a long time ago kash called me "rojak".
not that it really matters. to know who i am, what i stand for in this world of 6 billion people. to know my place in this world, to know my actual identity, and not be a mere product of circumstance. that, to me, is so much more vital than people's perceptions of oneself.
perhaps people's perceptions of me are as confused as my perceptions of myself.
Why I took Malay
Cik Siew emailed us today for some feedback for a paper he is doing research on, and I revealed my reasons for taking Malay. Some excerpts from my email to him:
"Personally I took malay because I feel that it is a form of respect to the region that I am born in. I feel that the Singapore government kicked out the compulsary education of Malay in schools because Malay is "not economically viable", which is an insult to the indigenous people of the region. Simply put, we Chinese came to the Malay lands, took over all the wealth and top postions, and even colonised the region with Chinese (which is the unofficial second language of Singapore - i think most malays find it hard to live life without rudimentary command of chinese).... i just feel that taking malay is my form of returning respect to the malays, and saying "sorry for taking over your lands, and colonising you all with the chinese language"... kind of apologising for my people..."
Singapore is aflush with English and Chinese, people often forget that we are in the middle of the Malay Archipalego.... and not in some province in China. As a native of the Malay Archipalego, it seems my duty to learn at least rudimentary Malay, the language of the land. In part it is to show respect to the locals (the true locals), to apologise for my people taking over the top positions and basically marginalising the native culture. It is the least I can do, to say "thanks for accepting us into your land, as a sign of respect I will learn your language". After all, I was born here, and I am a son of the land as much as you are.
A very humble Chinaman,
Jonathan
Actually am I a Chinaman, or a son of the Malay Archipalego? It is a connundrum, and I would like to call myself a Citizen of the world, but as long as I live in Singapore I am living on Malay land, and as a sign of respect I should call myself a "son of the land".
"Personally I took malay because I feel that it is a form of respect to the region that I am born in. I feel that the Singapore government kicked out the compulsary education of Malay in schools because Malay is "not economically viable", which is an insult to the indigenous people of the region. Simply put, we Chinese came to the Malay lands, took over all the wealth and top postions, and even colonised the region with Chinese (which is the unofficial second language of Singapore - i think most malays find it hard to live life without rudimentary command of chinese).... i just feel that taking malay is my form of returning respect to the malays, and saying "sorry for taking over your lands, and colonising you all with the chinese language"... kind of apologising for my people..."
Singapore is aflush with English and Chinese, people often forget that we are in the middle of the Malay Archipalego.... and not in some province in China. As a native of the Malay Archipalego, it seems my duty to learn at least rudimentary Malay, the language of the land. In part it is to show respect to the locals (the true locals), to apologise for my people taking over the top positions and basically marginalising the native culture. It is the least I can do, to say "thanks for accepting us into your land, as a sign of respect I will learn your language". After all, I was born here, and I am a son of the land as much as you are.
A very humble Chinaman,
Jonathan
Actually am I a Chinaman, or a son of the Malay Archipalego? It is a connundrum, and I would like to call myself a Citizen of the world, but as long as I live in Singapore I am living on Malay land, and as a sign of respect I should call myself a "son of the land".
Friday, May 9, 2008
Monday, May 5, 2008
why are people so averse towards thinking and questioning the core beliefs and assumptions in their lives, even the fact and meaning of their very existence?
could it be because they are scared to encounter what they might find?
or are they lazy to spend the time?
or is there a mood of extreme pessimism, the feeling that satisfactory answers can never be found?
or do they procrastinate, deciding to do the thinking and analysing only tomorrow after today's concerns are dealt with? do they not realise that everyday brings with it its own demands and troubles?
or do they hate their lives so much that they do not deem it a worthwhile exercise to determine a purpose, a reason and a validation for their existence?
maybe they are very comfortable, so they just live lives in a daily routine, until something real bad shakes them up, after which they start to think.
comfort may not be a bad thing. it is nice, assuring, relaxing, non-taxing to mind and emotions. it is in fact natural to want to settle into a comfort zone, otherwise one's mind and emotions work overtime, and it gets exhausting.
which is a better way to live life? to be a pained soul searching for answers, or to be one blissfully ignorant in a comfort zone? there is no absolute answer to this. possibly someone should strive for a balance, to seek for truth beyond one's natural scope, to question one's assumptions, even the validity of one's existence, without going mad in the process.
could it be because they are scared to encounter what they might find?
or are they lazy to spend the time?
or is there a mood of extreme pessimism, the feeling that satisfactory answers can never be found?
or do they procrastinate, deciding to do the thinking and analysing only tomorrow after today's concerns are dealt with? do they not realise that everyday brings with it its own demands and troubles?
or do they hate their lives so much that they do not deem it a worthwhile exercise to determine a purpose, a reason and a validation for their existence?
maybe they are very comfortable, so they just live lives in a daily routine, until something real bad shakes them up, after which they start to think.
comfort may not be a bad thing. it is nice, assuring, relaxing, non-taxing to mind and emotions. it is in fact natural to want to settle into a comfort zone, otherwise one's mind and emotions work overtime, and it gets exhausting.
which is a better way to live life? to be a pained soul searching for answers, or to be one blissfully ignorant in a comfort zone? there is no absolute answer to this. possibly someone should strive for a balance, to seek for truth beyond one's natural scope, to question one's assumptions, even the validity of one's existence, without going mad in the process.
Tonight was probably the last night out with Danny, drinking near Raffles Hall... He's leaving Singapore real soon.
we discussed what kind of people we'd like to spend time with... people we can have good engaging conversations with.
probably people who have an optimistic outlook on life, who engage it with a smile, who look forward to experiencing life and learning from it. people who are open minded, who want to learn from you as much as you want to learn from them. people who make an effort to engage and understand.
i cannot really out my finger on it, it's just a vibe, a feeling, but with it time flies with someone, and conversational times are never wasted, and you always look forward to keeping in touch with that person.
danny and i obviously feel we fit into that category... then there's probably gabe (hawaii), adam (indian canadian), irfan (pakistani canadian), mai (who has something on with danny, vietnamese), tiffany (taiwanese american), phi (thai), amelia (iowa white farm girl) .. probably a few others that i cannot remember.
we also discussed people who we'd not want to spend time with, those people would probably bore us with their pessimism or disinterested attitude towards the world that exists outside their tiny ones.... or piss us off because of their close-minded attitude towards things....
but i'm being too judgemental. i guess, to each his own, and people will flock to people who are like them. i'm open-minded and love to engage and learn, so i'll flock to people who are like me. others will have their own friends, and maybe everyone is equally happy at the end of the day.
we discussed what kind of people we'd like to spend time with... people we can have good engaging conversations with.
probably people who have an optimistic outlook on life, who engage it with a smile, who look forward to experiencing life and learning from it. people who are open minded, who want to learn from you as much as you want to learn from them. people who make an effort to engage and understand.
i cannot really out my finger on it, it's just a vibe, a feeling, but with it time flies with someone, and conversational times are never wasted, and you always look forward to keeping in touch with that person.
danny and i obviously feel we fit into that category... then there's probably gabe (hawaii), adam (indian canadian), irfan (pakistani canadian), mai (who has something on with danny, vietnamese), tiffany (taiwanese american), phi (thai), amelia (iowa white farm girl) .. probably a few others that i cannot remember.
we also discussed people who we'd not want to spend time with, those people would probably bore us with their pessimism or disinterested attitude towards the world that exists outside their tiny ones.... or piss us off because of their close-minded attitude towards things....
but i'm being too judgemental. i guess, to each his own, and people will flock to people who are like them. i'm open-minded and love to engage and learn, so i'll flock to people who are like me. others will have their own friends, and maybe everyone is equally happy at the end of the day.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Found this in one of my photo folders. This was one of the last things I saw before I left the USA: it was taken at Los Angeles International, kind of announcing my return to my country.
It's actually a poignant picture, considering the amount of time I had spent overseas, and everything I'd learnt and experienced over there. It was kind of like a signal to me, that I was returning home, back to the world that I grew up in, that life was going to be changed but constant, different but the same.
The word "Singapore" had hardly been on the tip of my tongue when I was overseas, but now I was returning to it. It had been out of my mind, but now my reality would again consist solely of it.
The picture was America wishing me farewell, and Singapore welcoming me back, all at once.
The theme of "returning home" weighs strongly on my mind. I could probably write a small treatise on it, but I'm not in the mood right now.
Friday, May 2, 2008
Went again to Arab Street for Sheesha and basically to chill, with Danny, Tiffany (Taiwanese, studying in UTexas in Austin), Amelia from Iowa, a Thai girl and a French dude. And Efhan Ali (The Canadian Pakistani in the previous blog post who works in Japan teaching English) rode up and found us; he was going night cycling.
I'll miss these people, real thanks to Danny for introducing me to them, they're all real fun, real chill, excellent conversationalists, and don't mind just wasting hours around a Sheesha pipe talking and chilling. Everyone has so many life stories to tell because of his varied life experience, and the conversation can go anywhere, from film and literature to physics to evolution and religion, to social and pop culture. This is what I admire in people, the knowledge and wisdom and worldliness to be able to carry on a conversation about any topic, and the ability to just chill and sit and waste hours stoning and talking, and cracking jokes. Without saying "O I need to study because my exams are next week". (A way out would be: Ok i'll study in the day, for 7 hours, and chill out after that.)
I wonder who I can do this shit with, people that can carry on conversations on more topics than human relationships, studies, and the latest gossip. I think having a global perspective, having experienced a different culture, helps. Even if that was not the case, I'm just looking for ... that X-Factor (Damnit). Call it intelligence, call it chemistry, call it "chill-ness", call it whatever.
I think in Singapore, Dean probably makes it there, from our past few conversations. Clement looks like he could too, look forward to meeting him. There're probably more people, but I guess I just need to find them.
And then we can head down to Arab Street for Sheesha.
I'll miss these people, real thanks to Danny for introducing me to them, they're all real fun, real chill, excellent conversationalists, and don't mind just wasting hours around a Sheesha pipe talking and chilling. Everyone has so many life stories to tell because of his varied life experience, and the conversation can go anywhere, from film and literature to physics to evolution and religion, to social and pop culture. This is what I admire in people, the knowledge and wisdom and worldliness to be able to carry on a conversation about any topic, and the ability to just chill and sit and waste hours stoning and talking, and cracking jokes. Without saying "O I need to study because my exams are next week". (A way out would be: Ok i'll study in the day, for 7 hours, and chill out after that.)
I wonder who I can do this shit with, people that can carry on conversations on more topics than human relationships, studies, and the latest gossip. I think having a global perspective, having experienced a different culture, helps. Even if that was not the case, I'm just looking for ... that X-Factor (Damnit). Call it intelligence, call it chemistry, call it "chill-ness", call it whatever.
I think in Singapore, Dean probably makes it there, from our past few conversations. Clement looks like he could too, look forward to meeting him. There're probably more people, but I guess I just need to find them.
And then we can head down to Arab Street for Sheesha.
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